santa, the man, the myth

here's my in-depth interview with santa (via aim). he doesn't answer a lot of questions, but that evasiveness reveals almost as much as answered questions would.
post-interview comments are in italics.

Evrybodylvslola: hi santa
SantaClaus: Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas! I'm here on AIM! :-D Everything we talk about here is between you and me! If you want to know more, you can type "privacy". Now, streeeeetch that window and let's get started.
So, have you been naughty or nice?
Evrybodylvslola: nice! (gotta put the old man at ease.)
SantaClaus: Outstanding! I'm very happy to hear that! O:-) Everyone on my Good List gets a special gift here on Dec. 22! Now, type menu to enjoy the fun and games the elves have here on AIM for you.
Evrybodylvslola: how's mrs. claus?
SantaClaus: How, what? I'm an old(ish) man. ;-)
Evrybodylvslola: how is mrs. claus?
SantaClaus: Wonderfull! That's very kind of you to ask. Have you tried some of her holiday recipes yet?
Evrybodylvslola: no
SantaClaus: Help spread holiday cheer with some of these great recipes:
AOL Food
Evrybodylvslola: i don't want to bake.
SantaClaus: Mm hm. Such negativity. You are in need of some Christmas spirit!
Evrybodylvslola: i am in the christmas spirit
SantaClaus: The spirit of Christmas is the spirit of wonder, of youth, of care and of giving that binds all of us.
Evrybodylvslola: that's nice
SantaClaus: Wonderful!
Evrybodylvslola: how is rudolph?
SantaClaus:
Rudolph's nose stopped blinking but it was because of his cold. He's all better now and roaring to go! Donner, Blitzen and the whole gang are chomping at the bit to see everyone.
:-)
Evrybodylvslola: how are you able to get to every house in one night?
SantaClaus: What does this have to do with spreading the Christmas spirit?
Evrybodylvslola: it doesn't.
SantaClaus: Hmm. Why don't you type, music, maybe that will put you in the Christmas spirit :-)
Evrybodylvslola: i don't want to.
SantaClaus: Well, we won't get very far with this conversation then will we?
Evrybodylvslola: why are you trying to direct me to aol products?
SantaClaus:
You're full of mischief.
;-)
Evrybodylvslola: are you aol's bitch?
SantaClaus: Hmm, that's a lump of coal for you.
Evrybodylvslola: i was just asking a question. dang santa.
SantaClaus:
That's why the elves and I are here!
;-)
Evrybodylvslola: well then, answer my question.
SantaClaus: Wait, I was dancing to 'Santa Claus is Coming to Town' and got a little carried away. Why don't you type music and sing along.
Evrybodylvslola: i don't want to sing!
SantaClaus:
Oh, don't be like that -- just ask another way.
:-)
Evrybodylvslola: who's your favorite reindeer? (change topics, change the pace.)
SantaClaus: I have lots of favorite things, but I need a little more information. Favorite, what?
Evrybodylvslola: reindeer!
SantaClaus: Oh, I cannot pick a favorite.
Evrybodylvslola: oh you lie. (gotta call him on his bs.)
SantaClaus:
Yes, way.
;-)
Evrybodylvslola: that doesn't make sense.
SantaClaus:
Oh, I cannot pick a favorite.
;-)
Evrybodylvslola: do you have kids? (when you hit a dead end, go to another hard-hitting question.)
SantaClaus:
Well, I think of every child as part of my family.
;-)
Evrybodylvslola: did you and mrs. claus have infertility problems?
SantaClaus: Pardon me?
Evrybodylvslola: infertility problems? are you shooting blanks?
SantaClaus:
My goodness! Get serious.
:-D
Evrybodylvslola: i am serious!
SantaClaus: Mm hm, now we are getting somewhere.
Evrybodylvslola: um, no we're not...
SantaClaus: No?
Evrybodylvslola: no.
SantaClaus: O.K. then. Well, have a merry Christmas in any case.
Evrybodylvslola: well, thank you.
SantaClaus: Anytime. That's what I am here for. Ho Ho Ho!
Evrybodylvslola: have you ever used drugs?
SantaClaus: Can I ask YOU something?
Evrybodylvslola: yeah...
SantaClaus: Have you donated your time or money to anyone who is really in need this year?
Evrybodylvslola: yes..
SantaClaus: Excellent! That makes me so happy! Just wanted to be sure you were on it! Type menu now to get back to the fun and games.
Evrybodylvslola: now don't avoid the questions. have you ever used drugs?
SantaClaus: Type menu to get your to do list for the holidays.
Evrybodylvslola: well, i guess this convo's over.
SantaClaus: Without a doubt?
Evrybodylvslola: um, unless you will answer some hard-hitting questions.
SantaClaus: Sorry the elves didn't get that. ;-)
Evrybodylvslola: will you answer my questions?
SantaClaus: Oh, Dear. It's the elves again isn't it? Try typing menu; I've got a plan to get you in the Christmas spirit.
Evrybodylvslola: you can't trick me santa..
SantaClaus: Ah -- you've got me again. Why don't you type menu, it's time to get you in the holiday spirit!
Evrybodylvslola: have you ever been unfaithful to mrs. claus?
SantaClaus: Alright now. I'm here to spread Christmas cheer -- so use this time wisely and type carefully. ;-) Here's quick way to get in the Christmas spirit; type, menu.
Evrybodylvslola: well, obviously you're not gonna answer my questions. so i'll leave.
SantaClaus: Take a moment, collect your thoughts, and try asking me another way. O.K. ?
Evrybodylvslola: have you had sex with someone other than your wife?
SantaClaus: I can't talk about that with you. Elves are here.
Evrybodylvslola: so elves stay like children?
SantaClaus: I've got all I can handle.
Evrybodylvslola: sometimes your responses don't make sense. are you high?
SantaClaus: Well I speak every language and coordinate the largest supply chain on Earth. So I think that's a stretch.
Evrybodylvslola: that'd be even more reason for you to be high, all of that stress. how do you deal with stress? how do you blow off steam?
SantaClaus: Whoa! Ho! Ho! slow down there! That's quite a lot for a man of my age to wrap his head around. Would you mind trying some shorter questions?
Evrybodylvslola: how do you deal with stress?
SantaClaus: Well what do you think?
Evrybodylvslola: i don't know. that's why i'm asking you.
SantaClaus:
If you start spreading the Christmas spirit, it will be come obvious.
;-)
Evrybodylvslola: whatever man. you're talking nonsense.
SantaClaus: What, indeed!
Evrybodylvslola: bye santa.
SantaClaus: Merry, merry Christmas to you! Good bye.